This story was published by the Sinclair Clarion – A community college newspaper.
I named the cat Boris, and I suspect that he is a good cat. He cuddles with me, purrs, and plays with his toys. He has short hair and is colored white and black.
He has begun to get this glint in his eye though that he is planning something. The strange thing is: I bought 50 coffee filters just two weeks ago, and I am down to my last filter.
I make at least one pot of coffee a day, and I never make more than two pots in a day. It makes no sense to me that I’d be out of filters in two weeks.
I live alone with Boris, so I have to wonder if the cat is stealing coffee filters from me, but this begs the question: what is he doing with them?
I bought a package of 200 coffee filters, and I lived my life for a while. After a month, I ran out of coffee filters again. I looked at Boris, and he raced into the other room. I chased him around the house for a while, but he got bored of that.
It started to seem like the cat would stalk me. He would follow me around the house and simply watch me. Then he would disappear to parts unknown for hours. I decided it was time for professional help.
I put Boris in his carrying cage and drove him to the veterinarian’s office. I waited for my turn. We brought Boris into the back.
The vet looked at me and smiled. He wore a white coat. “How’s Boris?”
I sighed. “I think he’s stealing coffee filters.”
The vet tilted his head to the side.
“Yes,” I said, “Clearly he’s stealing coffee filters from my kitchen.”
“Is he eating them?”
“I’m not certain. I never find any remains.”
“I don’t think he’s stealing coffee filters,” the vet said as he rubbed his chin. “He has no thumbs. How could he separate one from the stack?”
“I don’t know how he’s doing it! Make him stop!”
“I could give him a shot of an antipsychotic,” he said.
“There’s an idea!” I said as I snapped my fingers.
The vet reached over to a counter and took a long drought of what smelled like hazelnut coffee. “Do you think he’s making coffee?”
I paused.
“Well?” The vet said.
I paused.
“Cats have very addictive personalities,” the vet said with a smile.
Something dawned on me… I wondered if I could get a cup of the hazelnut the vet was drinking. “Well, I have noticed sometimes when I go to make a fresh pot of coffee there are grounds in the machine that aren’t coffee. They smell like catnip.”
“Yes, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s making catnip tea. Is there an unused closet in the house? He might have set up a hydroponic catnip farm.”
My eyes opened wide, and I paced out a little three step circle in the tiny exam room. “He has a kitty door to the outside. He has an entire patch of catnip planted in rows in the backyard.”
“Catnip tea. Cat’s love it. Once they get in the habit, it’s hard to break.”
“What do I do?”
The vet let out this little sigh and stared off into space. “My advice is to buy the coffee filters in bigger packages.”
Listen to Boris the Cat on BandCamp